we stay together for ard 2yrs i think..
all e while i tot we alrdy consider a family..
thn yestrdy she said : " I dun wana forever stay with so many ppl..."

stun for awhile, i realize... must hv been tough on her..

i undrstd where she is coming fr..
i undrstd her feelings..

marry a man with kids, hv to accept his children..
is matter of hw u accept his children..

dear said " she is nt u"...
m thinking, ya... we r different..
well, still hv to thank her for taking care of us..
she married his whole family..

just like me, m marrying a man with 3 little fellows..
thou i treated e 3 littl fellows like my kids..
i stil also v much wana live with him, just him alone..
& m always happy tht he wil also wana spend quality tm with just only me..

i hope both my darlings wil b independent..
i hope they wil nt everythg rely on their dad.

life without support fr dad is gona b tough i knw..
but at least, u wil learn to treasure more,
cos they r all ur hard earn $ & effort..
& above all, u wil b v proud of urself.

to my both darlings...
dun make ur life depending on others..
u wil feel miserable & disappointed whn others cun help u

b strong (mentally & physically), b wise & stay happy.. ^ ^


***

twinrix hurts..
sharp pain during and after jab...
24hrs later I cun lift my arm high..
any simple movement,
such as swing ur arm while walking also feel pain.
now changing clothes hurts...

doc say it shdnt hurts..
he say I cn go take chk pox vaccine coming weekend..
>. <""" think i better let my arm rest another 2 weeks...

hopefully arm wil get better tomorrow..


***

random updates..

i m gona shift agn.. further east..
shd b shifting b4 15apr..
which means in abt 2-3 weeks tm..
& we hv nt pack a single thg, no box, nothg yet..
which means i wil hv to take leave..
which means my staffs cn only enjoy their yummy breakfast for anothr 2-3 weeks..

---

i was in a way 'force' to go pray every weekend..
so far alrdy 3 weekends burned..
& e next week session wil a 3 days in a roll session..
9-5pm, from coming fri (PH) to sun.. as gd as working right...?
immed felt drained.. i nd my rest day.. =(

mayb i m nt a gd buddhist.. is nt tht i dun wana go pray..
is just tht, nowadays off days r v importn to me..
i nd to unwind.. i nd to hv sm of my own tm to reduce stress..
i wana b able to sleep longer on my off day..
i nd to do sm of my own thg such as read, playing with jovan, cross stitch, 

i wish they dun take away all my time..
i hope they cn leave me alone, let me hv my off day..

---

anothr week is gona b report week agn..
bz bz bz..

bro wil hv anothr chemo nxt week..
he said is  double doze as compare to his usual 1..
thn another 2 weeks or so, doc wil see result..

mum discharged.. she stil cun remembr tht moment's incident..
overall i cn stil tell she is stress & upset abt bro..

thr is nothg much i cn do except for calling her to check on her,
talk to her & let her unwind by grumbling..

---

tis is wht i read fr 星云大师's book, interesting but so true



a monster appeared & i ended up had tis for dinr.. lol



tis is a reali a weird drink.. if u happen to go fish & co, dun order



wa.... so many hor... tis person is reali rich..
2 dbs, 3 ocbc, 1 maybank & 1 uob..



m touched by tis..
not just e message he is trying to put across to me..
is e effort to find all tos icons & put thm together..



a wise man said :

在你有困难的时候他能扛得住
有诱惑的时候能他够顶得住
有风雨的时候能够帮你挡得住

这才叫男人

***

side track abit...
is there reali a 孫悟空 in history...? real as in 孫悟空 is a real person?
fr wht i knw, 孫悟空 is just a 'fake' character tht some1 wrote in 西遊記.. right..?

i think there is reali a 唐三藏 in history.. as in is a real person..
猪八戒 & 沙僧 shd also only a 'fake' story character in 西遊記 if i m nt wrong.. right...?


*** 

chest pain getting better..
stil thr but nt as often..

waking up mid of e night also improved..
fr wake up dun knw for wht, eyes open big big out of nothg..
to now stil wake up mid of e night, but cn falls bk to zz faster..

gets tired v easily..
i cn doze at 9plus pm.. lol


heart felt lighter..

stil learning to cope with stress..
remind myself to take thgs easier,
do thgs slowly, dun add on stress to all e thgs i m doing.



***

after chest pain now is feeling cold all e tm..
googled makes me worry.

hope everythg is ok..


***

running man episode 137 is so funny..

had a gd gd laugh... hahahahaha....

***

tis is wht i learn fr stress..
stress doesn’t always look stressful..
beyond a certain point, stress starts causing major damage to health,
mood, productivity, relationships, & life.

3 most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

Foot on the gas –
An angry or agitated stress response.
You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.

Foot on the brake –
A withdrawn or depressed stress response.
You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.

Foot on both –
Tense and frozen stress response.
You “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything.
You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

Signs and symptoms of stress overload

e following table lists some of the common warning signs and symptoms of stress.
e more signs and symptoms you notice in urself,
e closer you may be to stress overload.

Cognitive Symptoms
Memory problems
Inability to concentrate
Poor judgment
Seeing only the negative
Anxious or racing thoughts
Constant worrying

Emotional Symptoms
Moodiness
Irritability or short temper
Agitation, inability to relax
Feeling overwhelmed
Sense of loneliness and isolation
Depression or general unhappiness

Physical Symptoms
Aches and pains
Diarrhea or constipation
Nausea, dizziness
Chest pain, rapid heartbeat
Loss of sex drive
Frequent colds

Behavioral Symptoms
Eating more or less
Sleeping too much or too little
Isolating yourself from others
Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities
Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax
Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

The body doesn’t distinguish between physical and psychological threats.
When you’re stressed over a busy schedule, an argument with a friend,
a traffic jam, or a mountain of bills, your body reacts just as strongly
as if you were facing a life-or-death situation.

If you have a lot of responsibilities and worries,
your emergency stress response may be “on” most of the time.
The more your body’s stress system is activated, the harder it is to shut off.

Long-term exposure to stress can lead to serious health problems.
Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body.
It can raise blood pressure, suppress the immune system,
increase the risk of heart attack and stroke,
contribute to infertility, and speed up the aging process.

Long-term stress can even rewire the brain,
leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.

Too much stress over long periods of time can hinder brain function in a major way.
One of the reasons for this is because when you become stressed your body
releases a stress hormone called cortisol .
This hormone, which is also known for causing excess belly fat and
therefore increased risk of heart disease, affects your ability to
remember things and think straight.

When we become stressed or anxious,
our bodies also release adrenaline into the bloodstream,
which in turn causes the body to release cortisol.
The two compounds are an essential part of your fight or flight
response but are very different. One of the major differences is that
cortisol remains in your body much longer than adrenaline does.
This gives the cortisol the time it needs to adversely affect your brain cells.

While in the brain cortisol disrupts the normal function of neurotransmitters,
which are the brains “communication towers.” Neurotransmitters are the
chemicals used by brain cells to carry information and if they are disrupted
by cortisol your brain has a difficult time sorting things out.

In addition to memory loss, this is also why you experience the
anxiety gaze (staring blankly) and brain fog from time to time.
Your brain’s ability to transmit information, like memories,
is temporarily affected by the stress hormones you release when
you are feeling high anxiety or prolonged stress.
The brain is simply bogged down by all the anxiety juice
released into the bloodstream.

---

stress is so powerful..
e effect of stress overload cn b reali scary..

hv to learn hw to unwind..
hv to learn hw to cope with all e stress i m facing everyday..
if nt, i may end up like mum.. went blank..

***

nd to breath

***

mum blank wakes me up & i notice i nd to think wht m i gona do if she 'collaspe'..?

is so natural for all of us rely on her..
is like, rely on mum on many thgs is so 理所当然....

bro rely on her, neice rely on her, & i think she is handling ok.
but, she suddenly snap.. all of us got frighten..

at tis point of tm....
tis v moment i pen dwn tis..
i wana say, life is indeed fragile & unpredictable..
bcos is fragile & unpredictable, we shd nt always think we hv plenty tm..
we shd nt think tht ' ah.... cn wait la....'

we shd treasure every moment, appreciate every thg we stil hv..

~ gv me strength... to hold on to tos ppl who r falling..
~ & at e same tm, pls do nt let me fall...


***

father passed away
cat passed away
turtle passed away
ham ham passed away..

life..

***

althoug nt all gd.. but stil a huge relief whn i knw e result..
moving forward, i'll try to wk towards slightly better..

ppl ard me always reminded me of my over weight.
i knw i m.. but i wana live happy, i dun wana restrict tis restrict tht,
i dun wana live my life with so many 'cn nt'..

balance is e word..
mental & physical..

find it, practice it.


***

sm of e words r hurting..
sm of e actions r hurting..
i knw all these r innocent words & action,
but it stil wil hurt.

no anger, just disappointm..
did a self reflect, & ask myself wht or hw shd i react moving forward..
answer is : 顺其自然

i wun take it too hard,
i wun insist, as in 强求
我, 还是那个我.

stay firm & wun expect much


***

i find tht, many thgs cn b handled in a better manner but it wasn't..
since u think is nt importn, i dun see e necessity to insist.

just hope counter part dun feel i didnt handle e thg properly.


***

mind is confuse..
i m human, i hv feelings, i hv thoughts..
feelings like happy, angry, sad, disappointed, excited etc
i hv my selfish moments, greedy moments, boiling moments etc..
althou i m more of a giving person in nature..

i m a buddhist, nt a v gd 1 i knw..
buddhism teaches me to forgive, to take thgs easy,
to understd life, to be contented, to b positive,
to love, to help, etc etc etc..

but i hv many Q.. think & think y, hw, & whether i cn do so..?
i of e Q in my mind, & i think only able to obtain answer fr monk is,

buddhism teaches us nt to kill.
thus we r encourage nt to eat meat,
1 thg i dun undrstd is,
pig, cow, goat (all animals) hv life cn nt kill..

thn vegi & fruits wil also die if no water or no fertilizers..
vegi & fruits hv life but dun consider as kill...? 
is it bcos they hv no blood thus nt taken as a life?



lol.. pardon me.. as a buddhist, i hv many Qs too..
i  hv many thgs dun understd too.. 

i wana b a better person..
even if i cun change my current life,
at least to hv a better nxt life..

i wana help tos ard me to b a better person..
even if my tiny help cun change anythg in their current life..
i would wan their nxt life to b better..

从小就与佛有缘
皈依了，也学了佛
偶尔也会梦到佛，或菩萨
我相信因果，也明白业障
只是我没那份智慧，力量与恒心去修..

愿我这小小的慧根能随着岁月增长..
来世，来来世，来来来世也好..


*** 

i wana drink/eat 擂茶...
as a hakka, i didn't even eat tht b4..

***

joey is unwell..
poor him started off with ulcers..
thn sore throat, thn flu..

think he too heaty alrdy

***

bro started his new round of chemo..
doc said hv to monitor 2 weeks..
another hole on his arm for blood..

ex sis inlaw requests for join custody for niece..
will see hw it goes.

recvd letter fr bank, asking him to paid, if nt will take legal action

***

had a gd talk with dear..

is not easy for 2 different world ppl to be together..
is even tougher to maintain it..

***

another 4hrs to e truth..
scare & worry..
althou dear say they wun wait til now if thr is big issue..

m thinking...... is it.....?

***

finally settled importn thgs for dear..
m stil considering sm of e other options..

***

hopefully everything is fine...
anxious.. worry

***

wahaha... thank Q mr c for e candle crush magic ...
so happy  ^__^

no nd to stuck at e same level for weeks & weeks... yeah !

*happy happy happy*

***